The (Unfortunately) True Diary of Craig Tucker
by insertuserhere
Summary: From the Denver Adolescent Rehabilitation Clinic, due to his inability to open up in therapy Craig Tucker has been instructed to re-write his life from the time he started drugs and alcohol till the time he was busted. Through this journal, he re-discovers just why he began down this path, and just who tried to save him. Creek.
1. Chapter 1

The Downward Spiral of Craig Tucker

Diary Entry #1

In my life I'd been screwed over plenty of times, I was born into a homophobic household, until I was sixteen my voice was so nasally I could hardly stand it, and of course, I ended up in rehab. How may you ask? Well, that's why I'm writing this diary, that and the head psychiatrist here "Strongly recommended" that I begin journaling because I don't really open up to the guy all that much, and apparently this is the only way we can get to the "Root of my problem". Bullshit.

My name is Craig Tucker, I'm in my twelfth year of schooling at South Park High. I finished junior year before I was sent here, and I've been schooled within the institution. My grades are a lot better here, probably because I'm not high as a kite or wasted into next Tuesday... They actually make me study while I'm here, and I'm not as stupid as I previously thought.

The first time I smoked, was when Clyde Donovan passed me a joint in his basement one night when his parents weren't home. He told me to light up and hold it in. He said my frigid ass needed a good thaw. I held in that putrid s,ole for as long as physically possible before I choked it out with a painful and sputtering cough. That first night with Clyde, was probably one of the worst of my life. Despite how gleeful I felt, I had a severe case of the munches, my eyes watered, I was drowsy, and when I did come down, I had a monster headache. Atop those wonderful, wonderful side effects, I made a big mistake. I called ,y best friend Tweek Tweak, and told him, giggling like a fairy how much I wanted him to pin me down and kiss me until I saw stars. From what I remember, and what I've been told, this was our conversation.

"Craig? J-Jesus are you, gah! High"?!

"Tweek, sweet Tweek, what would lead you to that theory"?

"I-It's one t-t-thirty in the morning! And you're g-giggling gah"!

"Tweek, did you know your lips just look absolutely scrumptious? I just want to kiss them until those plump little sweets are bruised"!

"C-Craig where a-are you"?

"Clyde's basement! Hey Tweek, you should try this stuff... It would really chill you to bro"...

"C-Craig, I'll be there in ten minutes, j-just don't gah! Go anywhere".

Tweek did come for me, he was a nervous wreck as he loaded me, Parkinson's and all into his little beat blue impala, strapped me safely in the passenger side, deciding it was better time management, crawled across me, giving me a very nice view of his cute little rump in his skin tight jeans. Once in the driver side, Tweek pulled his infamous silver thermos with it's faded logo from a nearby cup holder, and with a shaking hand withdrew a ziplock bag with three white pills inside. Greedily dumping them into his mouth and washing them down with a massive gulp of his precious elixir. His tongue peeks out from it's cavern, sweeping against the pale flesh of his chin and lips, wanting not to waste a single drop.

"I-It's for my shaking... It helps me drive. D-Don't worry, the d-doctor prescribed it though! It's gah! N-Not illegal"!

"No worries bro".

I awoke the next morning, without my hat or shoes, with a mat of wild sunshine yellow hair pressed against my lower facial region and neck. Cautiously my eyes roll downward to allow a better view. Tweek has his warm skinny body pressed against mine as we're both cramped together entwined in legs and blankets on his tiny bed. His dozing face has a light coloration to it, and his eyelashes create a dark crescent contrast against his milky white skin. Tufts of his hair rest limply against his forehead as he breathes in a shallow rhythm. The early morning sunlight streaming through his blue astronaut curtains creates a holy and angelic image out of this sleeping ball of crazy, and I've got morning wood.

I think that's all doc needs to read for now, I mean... That last part was so personal I'm considering tearing it out and swallowing it so it can never be read by anyone but me. Till the next time this bitchy nurse forces me at the circle table to document my downfall...

-Craig T.


	2. Chapter 2

The Downward Spiral of Craig Tucker

Diary Entry #2

God fucking damn it... I knew it, I fucking knew that old geezer would flip his big ass peepers in my privacy. Today during our weekly session, he pulled out my file and placed a photo copy of my diary entry, cleared his throat and said

"Now Craig, do you wanna talk about this"? If looks could kill... The old bastard started in about my swearing, homosexuality, weed, and every other personal thing I thought to jot down on this yellow pad. Nonetheless I still have to continue this stupid journal, but at least the doc promised that he wouldn't read any further until I finished. In that case he has a long wait ahead, because baby I've just started...

It took what felt like forever to untangle myself from Tweak. I wanted to be as gentle as physically possible because due to Tweak's paranoia, his Parkinson's, his ADD, and he drinks coffee like he breathes air, it's kind of hard for him to sleep without being heavily medicated. I don't know what time he last took his pills, but I'm not risking his violent wake up spasms.

Tiptoeing across the floor in my socks, I exit his bedroom and shuffle down the hallway to the bathroom. Tweak's parents are used to me randomly arriving, his mother passes me down the hallway carrying a basket of laundry to hang outside on the line, and judging by the time, his dad is already at work.

"Good morning Craig sweetie".

"Good morning Mrs. T". And I awkwardly shuffle past her in an attempt to conceal my arousal before ducking safely into the comforts and privacy of the bathroom. I pressed the little lock in the doorknob before shedding my constraining clothing and stepping into the shower stall. I try to ignore it, because I always feel super awkward masturbating in the shower, and especially when it's Tweak's shower...

As the water slid down my body, I glowered at the hardened length at my torso. I groaned, and squeezed Tweak's axe body soap into my hand, and began pumping, slowly. I think of Tweak, and his angelic face and beat faster and faster. A strangled moan escapes my lips as goosebumps erupt across my skin. Tweak and his warm body, the lurking smell of coffee grounds and cologne that emits from his soft skin...

Stepping from the shower, I dry off with a fluffy beige towel and make sure that ,y release is cleaned from the shower stall. When I'm dry, I step into my jeans and shimmy my shirt overhead. I sigh one last time, and exit the steamy bathroom and return to Tweak's room. I find it empty, and figure he's lurking elsewhere in the house. After an investigation of the first and second floor, his mom tells me from the kitchen that he scampered into the basement. She hands me a steaming mug of black coffee and asks me to bring it to him.

My nose wrinkles in disgust at the smell as I walk down the creaking stairs of the basement. Tweak is breathing deeply, shirtless, dancing around in gym shorts and converse sneakers, adorning obnoxious red boxing gloves, taking ferocious hits at a looming fire engine red punching bag. It really shows off the fact that Tweak is as thin as a rail, probably because he doesn't really est anything.

"Tweak"! Instantly the fidgeting mess of sunshine yellow pivots and makes a strangled shrieking noise.

"C-Craig! You can't gah! Scare me like that"! He wraps his arms around his body, shaking violently, his left eye twitching madly.

"Easy tiger, I was just dropping this off". I gently shake the mug, and the steamy liquid licks at the rim of the cup. Tweak licks his lips, and with great speed, he sheds the boxing gloves and snatches the cup from my grasp. He drains it instantly and sighs I'm relief.

"You good now"? Tweak nods, his green eyes are focused and his shivering has lessened. I rub my shoulders awkwardly as Tweak stares me down.

"Craig, I was worried about you last night. You know how I feel about you smoking cigarettes. M-Marijuana is e-even worse"!

"Relax bro, it's not like I was smoking crack or anything". Speaking of smoking, I withdraw a pack of Marlboros and remove a smoke. I set it between my lips and pull my lighter from my other pocket, igniting the end I take a deep, relaxing drag.

"Cr-Craig! Weed is a seg-seg-segway into o-other illegal dr-drugs"! I roll my eyes and blow the smoke from my lips. Tweak coughs and waves at the smoke with his hand, attempting to clear the air. I return the smoke to my lips and take yet another calming drag.

"Relax Tweakers, I'm not getting involved in that shit".

"Cr-Craig, do you know what you said when you called me last night"?

"I called you"?

"Exactly. How d-do you think I knew where to get you"?!

"Good point, but what did I say"? M

"That I have scrumptious lips gah! You w-wanna ki-kiss them till they're br-br-bruised"!

"Son of a fucker"...

As I finish up my second journal entry, I'm finding it harder to concentrate because this circle table is seated next to a window and I'm on the third floor and the view isn't that bad from up here. Tomorrow mom and dad are supposed to visit, maybe they'll even bring Stripe... Though it isn't likely.

-Craig T.


	3. Chapter 3

The Downward Spiral of Craig Tucker  
Diary Entry #3  
It's twilight, and I'm writing this from my bedroom, instead of the recreational lounge where I normally sit when I'm writing in here, but today was a special day. I guess I managed to forget it was my birthday, crazy huh? Normally I'd be on top of days like this, but I guess I've kinda lost touch with my sense of time...  
My parents and Ruby came and visited today, and they brought me two surprises. One was Stripe, and his cage. Apparently because I've been adapting as well as I have, my parents were able to convince the old geezer to allow me my beloved guinea pig, which is the best news ever. I haven't seen him in months, and I was worried he would've forgotten me... But no, that godly fat ass is chomping away at some orange slices in his cage, acting like I'd never left, because Stripe is a bro.  
The second surprise I received was a birthday card, with the scribble scrawl of all ,y fellow classmates. Kenny, that faggot wrote his name in ignoramus letters, squashing the hopes of fellow peers at a fresh clean space to write in inky black lettering their own name. As my eyes scoured the card, reading over random wishes of health and a happy birthday, I was extremely unsettled to find that his name, the one that mattered most, wasn't written...  
When I left off, Tweak and I were in his basement, and he had just told me that I had confessed my unyielding desire to passionately squash his lips till they turned purple. Craig Tucker, you are one classy bastard. An awkward silence had settled between the two of us, before Tweak finally spoke up.  
"Is it true man? Do you wanna kiss me? Or did Clyde put you up to it"? Was that hope I detected in his voice? Shit... How could it not be? Aside from Kyle Broflovski, Tweak was the only kid out of the closet in South Park. Stan Marsh could deny it all he wanted but Kenny and I have both used our trippy mind reading powers and Stan is totally gay for Kyle. That and we'd totally caught him checking out Kyle's ass during football practice. But that's another story for another day. Any whom, Tweak was gay and that's what point I was trying to express.  
"Er... Er... Tweak I was high... I don't know what I was saying". Tweak's green cat like crystalline eyes downcast, the lighting in the basement reflects against his watery irises, and his chin lifts in my direction, his plump pink lips pout and a rosy hue dusts across his pale freckled face as one of his wild tufts of sunshine yellow hair falls in his forehead.  
"Oh... Well".. The shrill ringing of my cellphone disrupts our extreme awkwardness and I pull it from my pocket, and flip it open to program the automatic answer.  
"Hellloooooo? This Craigifer speaking".  
"Craig, mom said you need to come home from Clyde's".  
"Ruby, I'm not at Clyde's".  
"Where the hell are you then? Stripe is crying for you"!  
"I'm at Tweak's. Hey, why the hell are you in my room"?!  
"Bye Craaaaaaiiiiig"! And the line goes dead. I roll my eyes, snap my mobile closed and force it in my pocket.  
"I gotta clear out of here bro, Ruby is touching Stripe. Some serious shit is about to go down at the Tucker household".  
"Alright, your shoes and hat are at the front door". I grin and fluff that sunshine blonde hair, snaking my lithe fingers around the base of his neck, I pull him into a embrace. The kid is so thin my arms nearly wrap around his entire body twice. He's tense, and I blow gently into his ear lobe.  
"Thanks Tweak, you were a real help in my time of need". I release him and place my palms on his shoulders. His wide green eyes sparkle, and his dark lashes kiss the tops of his cheeks when he blinks slowly. I lean forward, my lips slightly parted, and I press a kiss to his cheek. The tip of of my tongue slightly presses against his check and I gently nip his skin between my teeth. I release his skin and Tweak's eyes are wide. His face is a shade of red so dark that he rivals a Christmas cranberry. His hand flies up to his face as he cups his cheek in confusion.  
"Bye Tweakers". I say while winking and playfully flipping him off. I leave him downstairs as I head into the front hall, slipping my feet into my sneakers, I fit my hat over my unkempt hair and call a goodbye to Mrs. Tweek before I exit the house. It's around eighty in the morning, as I walk the two blocks from my house I see kids in the street playing hockey or running around. It's late Autumn in South Park, nippy but not freezing.  
When I get home, my mom's bustling around the kitchen. Her blonde hair swept back in a ponytail as she gathers her car keys. Ruby sits on a stool at the counter, her strawberry blonde hair pulled into a knot, exposing her her cute freckled face. She's wearing her pink bunny pajama pants and a black tank top and she's drinking coffee like it's going out of style.  
"Craig darling, I'm glad you're home. I've gotta step out, I'll be home with dinner, your dad will be back around the same time, he's out fishing with Stuart McCormick. Have a lovely day hon, I'll see you later"! She presses a kiss to Ruby's head, and a kiss to my cheek before she exits the front door, leaving a cloud of perfume in her wake.  
"Think she's going to bang somebody"? Ruby asks pessimistically before knocking back a heavy drink of her black coffee. I pull a cigarette from my pocket, and using my lighter flick it to life. I suck in a drag and head to the basement where my room is located.  
"Mom doesn't want you smoking in the house". My response is flipping her my middle finger and heading downstairs to my kingdom. My room is fucking epic. Stainless white wall to wall carpet, an ignoramus bed with crisp white sheets, a floor to ceiling mahogany book shelf stuffed with comics, CDs, books, knick knacks and other assorted framed photos. Then there's Stripe's house. It's a rainbow plastic mansion full of toys and slides, tubes, and other assorted guinea play things. I open his house door, close the door to my bedroom, and release Stripe into the wild. I flop backwards on my bed, and pull ,my phone from my pocket. It flickers to life upon opening, and there's a text from Clyde, Token, and Kenny. I frown at the lack of contact from Tweak. Token and Clyde are making sure I got home safely, and Kenny says call him ASAP. I type in his digits and press the pad of my thumb against the green phone button.  
"Hello Craigifer". Comes Kenny's flirty and charismatic voice from the line.  
"What's up whore"? Suddenly the door to my bedroom flies open and Kenny marches in with his phone against his ear.  
"How dare you dirty my name with such accusations! I am no such trollop"! Kenny fakes hurt as he collapses onto my bed, rolling onto his stomach beside me. He stares up at me as he looks through his dirty blonde hair with intelligent blue eyes. Stripe crawls up ontop of my bed and into my lap. I absentmindedly stroke his back with my forefingers as Kenny clears his throat.  
"A little birdie called Clyde was kind enough to inform me that Tweak, that handsome devil, stole you in the middle of the night, and you two spent the evening together. Is that true"? The stoic and cold look on my face must've given it away...  
"You dirty whore! Details, give me juicy details my son"! My hand aches and it's getting dark. Stripe is running on his wheel making tons of noise because I'm neglecting him. Happy birthday self...  
-Craig T.


	4. Chapter 4

The Downward Spiral of Craig Tucker  
Diary Entry #4  
Today for lunch I had a burrito. It tasted like fake cheese and some poor excuse for meat, and I'm kind of regretting it... My stomach keeps making really gross noises, and when Stripe sat own my stomach I swear to God that's heard him say  
"Craig, what the fuck bro"? I only smoked one cigarette today, which is a big accomplishment. Slowly the doc has been weening me from my smokes, and I guess it's finally working.  
Kenny had me pinned on the ground, his dirty sock was inching closer and closer and I noticeably was... Well having what Clyde deemed 'Craig's bitch fit'.  
"Shit face! Get the fuck off of me"!  
"Aww Craigifer, that hurts my feelings". His filthy big toe peered out at me from a hole in his sock, it wiggled menacingly at me as it neared my face.  
"I swear to God Kenny, I will pop a cap in your slutty ass if you touch me"!  
"Oh that sounds kind of nice"! The pervert's grin turns cat like and his blue eyes darken. I shove him off, and he lands on the ground with an over exaggerated "ooof"! Sitting up, he smoothed down his wild hair and grinned, but that smile didn't reach his eyes.  
I then remembered that aside from myself, Tweek didn't have to many friends. It was pretty much Kenny and I, and he seemed to like it that way.  
"Look Craig, I like you. You've got this whole badass I don't give a fuck thing, and it works for you, but my man Tweek... He's got the whole needy, dependent, shatter if you hit him kinda thing working for him. I'm all for you and your big ass monster clompers to waltz outta that closet, but you know as well as I do that you won't. Tweek has been out for years now, and I don't want him getting hurt because your ugly mug led him on". Only now, year later did I realize why Kenny was so concerned with Tweek's well being. He to, had fallen for that jittery mess of a boy.  
I ended up telling Kenny what had happened, how Tweek and I had spent the night together, curled warmly as a big spoon and a little spoon, how I had watched him dance shirtless in his basement while he boxed, his lithe bouncing in practiced movements... I told Kenny how I called him, high as a kite mumbling how I wanted a heated make out session, how I jacked off in his shower, how I kissed his soft cheek... I didn't notice it all that much, but when I had finished Kenny's expression was stoic, calculating and cool.  
"Interesting". He replied, his nimble fingers curling and uncurling around my blankets. I had assumed it was an absent minded habit or gesture, but in reality it was a silent expression of true rage. I was treading on his territory. Kenny often clung to Tweek, pressing chaste kisses to his lips and gentle pecks to his face and knuckles. Kenny didn't like I was invading his domain, I just didn't realize it.  
The next day at school, Token, bless that boy's heart and soul provided me with not only a ride to school but a reminder I had failed to complete any of my homework over the weekend. Smooth move Craig. I was mostly dreading English, I liked that class. Writing was fun for me, and I had a book report on 'Great Expectations' due today. Fucking Pip was all bright eyed and bushy tailed about that assignment. I remember Clyde had planned to smack him over the head with said novel, but Damien, had stopped him with a fiery glare.  
"Do it, and I'll make your life hell, literally". His warning had sent Clyde into a series of violent tremors of pure terror. I had slumped into English class my eyes downcast and a grim expression on my face. The English teacher, Ms. Atadero, looks up from her desk. She's pretty and it's kinda weird to have such a young teacher, but she's a favorite teacher of a lot of kids at South Park High. She grins at me and stops grading papers.  
"Good afternoon Craig"! He grunted a response and shuffled to his sets in the back. Shortly afterwards, Tweek came flying through the doorway, his infamous yellow messenger bag stuffed with crinkled papers and frantic noises spurting from his lips, his yellow hair was sprung out in awkward position. It was pretty much normally Tweek, till he kinda fell on his shoelaces and clattered to the floor in a large awkward mess. Instantly I was out of my seat and at his side. Papers, pencils, his sketchbook and a few crayons were splattered everywhere across the room. Tweek lay on his belly, his arms and legs strewn about in awkward positions. As soon as the air reinforced itself into his lungs, he sat up abruptly, smacking his head against the nearest wooden desk.  
"Ow"... He whimpered rubbing a soon to be welt. On top of Red's desk was s can of peace tea I quickly snatched. It felt cool in my hand and I pressed against the point of impact. Red voiced her disapproval, but I flipped her off, to concerned with nursing Tweek.  
"You're such a klutz"... I said quietly. Tweek's owlish eyes turned to me. They were enormous, and glittered with tears. God I loved that color. It took me hours to match that swirling shade of gold and green with colored pencils, even then it wasn't perfect. While I had been daydreaming about that color, Tweak had been riffling through the nearest pile of papers. Apparently satisfied, he jabbed a bony finger in my ribs. I was awakened from my sleep like state and stared at him curiously.  
"What"? I asked, a little pissed that I was interrupted. His bony fingers are curled around a sheet of paper. God he is as white as they come...  
"The other night at my house when you were high, you suddenly, g-gah, flipped shit and demanded the use of my computer. This is the fi-fi-final product, after I fixed your grammar of course"! Tweek forced the page into my hands, and my face lights up in a genuine grin. It's a typed report on 'Great Expectations' clearly written by Tweek, but he claims I wrote it so I'll accept it. It's at this moment, I decide that I'm in love with Tweek Tweak.  
-Craig T.


	5. Chapter 5

The Downward Spiral of Craig Tucker  
Diary Entry # 5  
Today was a rather odd experience for me. I had visitors that weren't my family. Weird right? I was just sitting in my room, talking to Stripe when the door opened and Felicia the one nurse who deals with me sixty percent of the time announced I had friends come to see me. I need shat myself with glee when Token and Clyde walked in,with a greasy bag of McDonalds.  
It was an hour at most, but it's the happiest I've been in a long time. We threw fries at each other, called Clyde fat ass, and remarked how Token was the most beautiful human being for supplying me food that wasn't complete shit. Despite the fact that awkwardness hung in the air at the fact one of the four chairs at my small table wasn't occupied, we did our best to ignore it, ignore his stunning lack of absence, ignore his isolation, his withdrawal, and refusal to have an any contact with me...  
Things between Tweek and I were a little awkward, we were still best friends, but there was unspoken tension that hadn't been resolved. I remember we were in my room, he sat cross legged on my bed, and I leaned against the cracked window, smoking. my mom didn't like when it clung to my clothes, so I wasn't technically supposed to smoke in the house, but rules were made to be broken, right?  
"Craig"? I took a drag before responding, besides he was busy toying with his socks.  
"Yo"?  
"A couple of weeks ago, when you got high, that was the first time right"? I nodded, crushing the ashy butt of my finished smoke in the window sill and flicked it to land in the gathered snow on the ground floor.  
"This information is correct".  
"Are you still getting high"?  
"Occasionally".  
"It's just weed, right"?  
"Right". Lie. Henrietta the fat goth hooked me up with something a bit stronger then weed. Nothing to criminal like coke or heroin, I may be stupid but I'm not a dumb shit, just a little acid to send Craig Tucker into the realm of mystical wizards and sunshine. Clyde was always telling me I needed to lighten up and enjoy life more.  
Tweek watched me for a bit longer before satisfied with his answer, flopping backward onto my pillow with a Red Racer pillow case. I sighed, and shut the window before walking over and collapsing onto my bed, to roll over and lay on top of him. Tweek's breath wheezed from his body and my limbs pinned his gangly self to the mattress. He began fidgeting beneath me, his little hands on my chest attempting to heave me off.  
"Craaaaig"! Tweek whined and I grinned, adjusting my body so I could rest my chin on his stomach and look up at him. He gripped the tassels of my infamous hat and began pulling at them, causing the front of my hat to periodically dip in front of my eyes.  
"Craig"?  
"Yup"?  
"Can we go get lunch"? I sat up immediately, I was as nearly as bad as Clyde when it came to food.  
"Oh fuck yes"! I fist pumped and scrambled from my bed, taking a flailing blonde with me. We clambered to the first floor, I snatched my wallet and car keys from the fronts room table and forced my boots on my feet, whisper-yelling to Tweek to hurry up before it came. Suddenly a dark force was upon us...  
"Where are you going"? Ruby stood at the foot of the stairs, clad in a fifty dollar Victoria's Secret sweatshirt, ugg boots, black leggings and perfect makeup, her precious IPhone 4S in hand. Her eyes, shroud in perfect black makeup narrowed at me. Ruby was an image of evil, a shrew, a beast in a fourteen year old's body.  
"We're going to lunch".  
"You're taking Karen and I with you". I rolled my eyes, Karen McCormick was tolerable, but she and Ruby together screeched like a pair of harpies.  
"No. Fucking. Way".  
"I'll tell mom that you've been smoking in the house". I flipped her off.  
"Go get in the car you ass face".  
"That's more like it, dear sweet brother". Tweek shuffled awkwardly as Ruby pulled her coat from the closet and set it on her shoulders. When she was done checking her reflection in the foyer mirror, I yelled to my mom we were all leaving and we headed to the garage where my baby sat. After much debate Tweek decided to sit in the back until we picked Karen up, because Ruby HAD to sit in the front while she still could. I glared at her perfect turquoise nails as she switched the radio to something she liked before backing out.  
"Craig, your car stinks".  
"You always say that".  
"Because it always stinks"! At that moment Tweek decided to pipe up.  
"I like the smell of Craig's car... Clove cigarettes and cheap aftershave". I swear to god my grin nearly split my face when I heard that. Ruby made some sort of scoffing noise and was silent for a while.  
I glared at the cup of coffee in Tweek's hands and tapped my fingers against the table. Originally this was going to be between Tweek and I, a date. Kind of. But then it turned into Ruby, which she felt inclined to being Karen, who had a shadow tailing her. An evil, devious shadow by the name of Kenny McCormick. He had sandwiched himself nice and close to Tweek in the blue booth. In an attempt to seem cool and mature, Karen and Ruby had decided to sit off to themselves in a corner booth. I could still hear their high pitch chittering, and I was thoroughly annoyed. For the shit I'm putting up with, when Tweek and I are finally together, I'd better be able to douse him and whip cream and eat him like am endless buttermilk pancake.  
- Craig T.


	6. Chapter 6

The Downward Spiral of Craig Tucker  
Diary Entry #6  
I miss Shakey's pizza... The gooey cardboard excuse for pizza here doesn't even remotely begin to compare... My fingers are still greasy and they're creating a mess on my page...  
When I last left off, Ruby, Karen and Kenny had invaded my once private date with Tweek, and I wasn't pleased. I mean seriously. Who the fuck does that?  
Tweek, being his usual erratic self was shivering and slurping noisily from the beige ceramic cup. Kenny, who was sitting beside him had his gangly limbs sprawled across Tweek's bony and awkward shoulder.  
"Jesus Tweek, you sure like coffee"! Kenny mused. My eyes narrowed at the noisome blonde.  
"He doesn't like coffee". I said in a hostile tone.  
"I don't like coffee". Tweek replied at nearly the exact second I did. Kenny's eyebrows drew together and his expression contorted to that of one whom is confused.  
"Then why do you inhale it"?  
"He needs it".  
"I need it". God Craig, make it any more obvious you have the biggest crush on Tweek and think he's the cutest thing since sliced bread? Tweek takes another gulp and wrinkles his nose in distaste. He looks like Stripe when he does that..  
"What do you need it for"? Shit Kenny, why does your poor ass have to be so nosy?! Tweek sighs and pushes the empty cup to the edge of the table. His hands find their ways into his hair, exposing the many fire truck bandages on his fingers from where hez's chewed the skin and nail to the stumps.  
"If I don't drink coffee, I can't stay awake... And if I'm not awake the government can come and take me away! It's because I know their secrets man... J-J-Jesus Craig! They're after me"! Tweek forces his legs to his chest, securing his bony arms around his knees, drawing them in to pull his body into his impenetrable-Tweek shell. I shoot a dirty look at Kenny for making Tweek have a meltdown... Tweek will shred his hands and bathe in hand sanitizer later to punish himself. At that moment out waitress, a cute girl with light peach hair decided to deliver our meal and catch Kenny's attention. He flashed her a panty soaking smile and I knew he was getting laid tonight.  
Tweek poked at his buttermilk pancakes and I groaned, deciding more then ever I needed a serious smoke. I excused myself from the table to meet with the frigid Colorado air before lighting up a Marlboro with my cheap ass lighter and taking a drag. I felt my nerves calm and I leaned against the wall and watched the smoke drift to the grey sky.  
"Man, fuck IHOP". A voice said from beside me. I nearly jumped from my skin. I was unaware I had company. I glanced over and was a little surprised to see the peach haired waitress from earlier apparently on break and smoking her lungs out. Her light eyes narrowed as she took a deep drag and then turned to face me.  
"Sorry... I really hate my job".  
"It's fine man, I totally get where your coming from".  
"Your blonde friend that didn't drink all our coffee, he grabbed my ass like twelve times. He looks like twenty four! I'm only seventeen"! I felt sympathy for her. Working a dead end job and having perverts like Kenny groping you must suck major hairy balls. She sighs, tucks a piece of short peach hair behind her ear and grins sadly.  
"Sorry, I don't normally vent to strangers. Hi, I'm Mallory". She sticks her hand out and suspends it in the air till I realize I'm supposed to shake it.  
"Craig". I respond monotonously and she nods, telling me it's pleasant to meet my acquaintance. I notice she has a few transformers band aids on her hands, like Tweek. Come to think of it I notice a lot of Tweek like features in her. She's got shorter hair for a girl, but it's about the same length as Tweek's and just as wild. She's also got the massive owlish mint green eyes.  
"Well Craig, I have to get back to work". She presses a piece of paper seemingly from nowhere into my hand and begins heading inside the building. I inspect it and discover it's a cellphone number.  
"I'm gay". I call to her, and instantly Mallory stops walking, she turns her head to face me, smile playing on her lips.  
"I know, but you look like the type of guy who needs to party"... And she walks back inside IHOP. Little did I know my brief interaction with Mallory then would affect my future. Even in the present as I write this that event still causes triggers that significantly alter my day. But I'll get into that later...  
The drive home, Tweek sat in the front seat with me while Kenny and the girls took the back. All three could sense I was deep and thought and felt it appropriate to not complain about my radio station. I dropped the McCormicks and Ruby off at Kenny's before turning around to head to the Tweak bungalow.  
"Hey Tweek"?  
"Y-yeah"?!  
"Can I sleep over tonight"? Tweek is quiet for a moment.  
"N-No not tonight... Mom and I have to do... Er s-something". I frowned and turned left parking in Tweek's driveway. I flipped him off as he sluggishly exited my beat up car. As I backed out I flipped my mobile from my pocket and at the next stop light punched in the keys on the paper Mallory gave me.  
"Hello"? Came her response on the third ring.  
"Mallory, this is Craig from earlier. I'm in my car right now. How much party will seventy five dollars get me"? She laughs from the other end, gives me an address forty minutes away and I oblige. On my way there I call my parents, letting them know I'm crashing at Clyde's who thinks I'm at Token's who thinks I'm at Tweek's. It's a five minute drive through a medium lower class apartment complex before I find Mallory on the sidewalk wearing a silvery tank top and not much else tapping her heeled toe. Any trace of Tweek in her I found earlier is gone. She flashes me an impatient smile as she slides into my car and tosses her hair. Sex appeal rolls off her in waves and she rummages through her hand bag before with drawing a few pills.  
"What are those"?  
"Craig honey be patient and drive to the party. When we get there you'll find out". I do as she tells me and we find ourselves at some house in the lower parts of the mountains way in the sticks. It's pulsing with music and bodies are literally packed like sardines inside. I slide my keys in my shoe before greedily taking a pill from Mallory and swallowing it dry.  
-Craig T.


	7. Chapter 7

The Downward Spiral of Craig Tucker  
Diary Entry #7  
Today I did some bizarre finger painting for therapy. My paper wound up a swirling mess of color that strongly resembled a trembling blonde with a wild mess of blonde hair and feline green eyes. The geezer studied it long and hard before setting the paper on his table and removed his glasses. He pinched the skin between his eyes and looked at me with soft eyes.  
"You love him very much, don't you Craig"? I rested my cheek on my hand and sighed.  
"Yup".  
I was in a place I'd never been. Bodies were pressed against one another, performing actions that could only be named as sex with clothes on. Music pounded in my ears and the strobe lights distorted my vision. Foreign substances traveled through my blood stream and I love it.  
I feel a hand slip around my wrist. It's cold, clammy and very unappealing as it pulls me along, guiding me, tearing me from the party... I found myself in a bedroom with a girl, Mallory. Her eyes are hooded with lust and a devious grin plays out on her lips. Her hands pushed the door closed, her fingers pushing the lock. She then stepped towards me; her hands resting on my shoulders. She tipped her face to kiss me, and I leaned down to oblige.  
When I awoke the next morning, I was in a bedroom I didn't recognize. Somebody was curled beside me, their dusty smelling hair made my nostrils itch. Rolling out from under her, I recognized her as Mallory. I felt myself cringe and I began rifling through my jeans on the ground. My hand grasped my cellphone and I withdrew it, checking the time. It was roughly seven forty in the morning and I had two missed calls, a voicemail and three texts from Tweek. I could picture him sitting at his dining room table repeatedly bashing his forehead into the hardwood as his fingernails raked through his wiry mess of blonde. Shrugging on my tee-shirt and hoodie I carefully tiptoed from the strange bedroom, cursing the sound of my denim jeans as my thighs made contact.  
It was a very long drive to find a McDonald's. As I sat in a booth sipping a black coffee and nibbling on a hashbrown I withdrew my mobile from my pocket and listened to his quivering and awkward voicemail as he expressed his concern. A small grin settled on my features as I swallowed the fried potato breakfast food. Keying in his name on speed dial it takes all of two seconds for him to pick up.  
"WHAT THE FUCK, CRAIG"?! Okay, it's safe to say he is piiiisssssed. Whoops. He engages in a four minute rant while I examine my cuticles. I count thirty Jesus', fourteen government conspiracies and twenty two mentions of gnomes.  
"Tweek, Tweek, baby calm your tits. I was dropping E at a party with some chick I met at IHOP. It's all good bro". He swears, calls me a gnome testicle and hangs up. In retrospect I guess he was really worried. I mean it's not like me to up and disappear out of South Park like that... It's like when I was fourteen. Things with my parents weren't rolling great and I managed to get it into my cranium that it wouldn't matter if I up and left. I was just boarding the 912 greyhound right outta Colorado when Tweek came barreling at me like bat out of hell. He wrapped them skinny arms so tightly around my waist I saw stars for a minute. And then the back of my shirt was all wet on account of him balling his eyes out. My parents came charging after. Now we Tuckers aren't that great at expressing our feelings, so my parents flipped me off and dragged my ass (Literally. Tweek was latched around my waist so hard it was difficult for me to walk on my own) and grounded me for a month. That night though my mom came in my room and told me something I would never forget.  
"Craigifer Dylan Tucker, if you ever scare this family like that again... I'll give Stripe to Clyde". Nonetheless I was scared straight. Love you mom.  
Before I went home to almost certain grounding, I went to the Tweak's coffee house. I had already loaded up on caffeine but Mr. Tweak wouldn't shut up with those damn metaphors and guilted me into getting an orange mocha frappe despite it being as early as it was.  
I silently slurped and tugged at the tassels of my hat as I waited for Tweek to move his ass along. It wasn't four minutes before his lily white ass plopped in front of me, sending my trademark middle finger in my general direction.  
"Sorry buddy, it was a rocking party I did-".  
"Did you have sex with her"?! He deadpanned.  
"What"?!  
"Did. You. Sleep. With. Her"? Woah cowboy, I'm not ready for that rodeo. I swallowed my drink hard. Suddenly it tasted like I was literally eating citrus flavored rock salt.  
"Yeah.. I kinda did... But it didn't mean anything! And I was high"!  
"I thought you said you only did weed"! Shit Craig, you keep digging yourself into a deeper hole. My face flushed, it only did that when I got caught in a big lie. Tweek, of course knowing this, stood from his chair, snatched my fruity drink from my unsuspecting hand and squashed it all over my precious chullo hat.  
"Get out. My family can't have riff raff like you in our store. It's bad for business". Ouch. Okay, that was intent to kill right there... I did as he said though, and I left without a single word, but I course flipped him off... My head was spinning to much to do anything else... And I kinda had a brain freeze..  
-Craig T.


	8. Chapter 8

The Downward Spiral of Craig Tucker

Diary Entry #8

There are few moments in my life where I actually look back and grin on a fond memory. Like when I invented Spaceman Craig, dumped apple juice on Stan Marsh for bullying Clyde in kindergarten, and when I befriended Tweek.

My mom had just flushed Swimmy down the toilet, and I didn't care much. I mean he was a Walmart brand fish. What I had really eyed was the great big glass bowl that he had dwelled in. Only Stripe would ever know that it was in fact me who had over fed the gold fish on purpose. At that age I committed murder and the only witness was just a baby (Ruby) and a guinea pig. My mom then cleaned out the bowl and passed it on to me.

"I'm going to hope and pray that you didn't kill that poor fish just for that bowl Craig." With bowl safely tucked under my left arm, I flipped off my mom, shoved a sniffling Ruby aside and barreled for my bedroom where I slammed the door closed. A half an hour later, the greatest man ever born exited his bedroom. I hesitantly stepped out in my dark blue rain boots, a light blue space jumpsuit from Halloween past and the bowl, now decked out with antenna adorned my kid body and suddenly the hallway became a space vortex and Ruby an evil space creature.

It was the fourth day of kindergarten when I first gave Clyde Donovan the time of day and I was just getting out of time out for flipping off the teacher when she told me to stop coloring my spaceship and pay attention. I rolled my eyes and slumped into my seat. It was snack time, we were having Teddy-grams and apple juice. I had to sit at the circle table with Stan Marsh, Clyde Donovan and that British kid. Stan had begun his daily fit that he couldn't sit beside his best buddy Kyle Broflovski and it was getting really, really irritating.

"I could your fwiend Stan!" Clyde suddenly piped up after a moment of consideration. Stan's head whipped to face Clyde, his freckled nose scrunching and his eyes narrowing.

"I'm way to cool for your fat ass Dorkovan!" Okay, maybe I'm paraphrasing but Stan's response to Clyde's desire for friendship was majorly assholeish. At first I continued to nibble on the ear of my cinnamon snack but then... Clyde started bawling. Already he had had started becoming notorious for his cry baby ways. So I rose from my seat, crossed the other side of the table to Stan's seat. He glared up at me, because I was the mute kid with a bad attitude and began to say something. I didn't let him finish, but instead squeezed my juice all over his head, drenching his clothes and hair, and Craig Tucker was back in the timeout bucket.

When I was released, no one spoke to me. Already I was the class's resident bad ass. So at the end of the day when I was walking home and found Clyde Donovan huffing and puffing after me, I was mildly surprised.

"Hey! Hey Chris!" I stopped to glare at him for getting my name wrong.

"It's Craig."

"What?"

"My name is Craig, dumb ass." Clyde's smile vanished and he shifted awkwardly.

"Sorry... I just wanted to say thanks.."

"For what."

"You stopped Stan from bullying me!"

"Oh." God I sounded like my father.

"Yeah! And so... I made you this-" he paused and pulled a folded up drawing from his pocket and proceeded to hand it to me. Curiously I unfolded it to see a rocket ship with the Red Racer logo.

"How'd you know I liked Red Racer and rocket ships!"

"Well I always see you drawing rockets and Wed Wacer is on your backpack!"

"Oh. Well um.. Do you wanna come watch Red Racer with me at my house?"

"Yes! But could I call my mom? She'll get mad if I don't".

"Sure."

"Can we have milk and a snack?" I looked at him skeptically. We had just eaten at school like three hours ago.

"Sure."

"Awesome! You're the best Chris!"

"My name is Craig. Get it right Clyde." And that's how we became friends, best friends, bros even. He even got my name right... I even let him drink out of my prized Red Racer cup, even if it was only once...

At the time I became friends with Tweek, I was supposed to be grounded. I was in third grade and had been out of Hell's pass for a day and half and supposed to be in my bedroom for beating up Tweek, but my mom had been distracted by young Ruby and her little girl drama and I managed to slip out of the house and off to the park.

Spaceman Craig was whirling around the Urkan galaxies in his red and blue spaceship when A sudden noise disrupted his smooth flight. Instantly I pulled the rocket to a halt, eyes scanning the miles of stars for the alien invader, when my eyes locked on a quivering blonde rocking nervously on the yellow and green rocket ship adjacent to my own.

"Hey! I'm Spaceman Craig and your rocket is blocking my path!"

"I-I'm sorry!"

"Keh, dumb kid. C'mon my rocket is big enough for the two of us. You can be a Spaceman with me. Or at least an intern Spaceman."

"B-but don't you know who I am?"

"Of course I do. You're Tweek. We just got out of the hospital the other day. Your right hook is killer. Now are you coming or not because my spaceship is about to blast off and I'm going to explore the Glorpnal galaxies." With that Tweek climbed shakily onto my rocket, clinging desperately to my shirt. As our rocket began soaring through the stars, Tweek began trembling with a growing intensity. I told him to knock it off, but as soon as I did, he jumped with such strength I fell off my ship and face first onto the playground floor. And that's why my teeth are so fucked up, that and genetics. My family was on welfare at the time, so we couldn't afford braces. We still can't, but that's okay with me... Because my fucked up teeth hold precious memories.

-Craig T.


	9. Chapter 9

The (Unfortunately) True Diary of Craig Tucker

Diary Entry 9

A few pages back I mentioned how McCormick and I were friends but at the time I was too dim to realize he was just using me for his own schemes for the heart of our little blonde friend. When I did find our his true intentions I was kind pissed. Kenny and I did not talk for a long time, so imagine my surprise when the amorous McCormick waltzes into my room this morning and sits on my chair and starts talking me to me as if nothing has happened.

"Did you get the birthday card?" He asked. I nodded and pointed to the wall where it hung.

"Yeah you ass fuck, your name took up half of it." Kenny grinned, he had surprisingly white teeth for being so low in the social totem pole. Raising himself onto his long spidery legs he bounded over to Stripe's cage and chirped a greeting.

"Get the fuck away from my son." I snarled and Kenny obliged, this time seating himself comfortably onto my bed.

"I saw Tweek yesterday."

"Get the fuck out of my room Kenny before I call security and tell them you're trying to smuggle me heroin."

After washing The orange mocha frappe from my hair I found myself walking to McCormick's place. He would know what to do in a situation like this. Tweek was hella pissed and face it there isn't a time where someone from our enormous group hadn't been pissed at Kenny. Kenny was just a whiz at manipulating people's emotions so that he was easily forgiven. I figured what the hell Kenny would know how to help me fix things between Tweekers and convince him that the sex that Mallory and I had wasn't authentic and then maybe my drug problem really wasn't a problem. Or so I thought.

Us South Park kids had learned when you visit the McCormick's house in search of Kenny, you crawl through his window. It made life on you and him a thousand times easier when you didn't have to walk through the war path of Stuart and Carol's 'domestic disturbances'. So as I crawled through the snow to remain unseen I of course stopped beneath Kenny's window. One because I had reached my destination and two, I heard voices.

"I'm scared for him Ken... He's my best friend."

"I'm sure we can find some sort of help for him. Craig is my friend too and I only want the best for him Tweekers." My mouth fell open and I heard Tweek's distinct sniffle. I nearly leapt through that window and took my boy back but Kenny spoke again.

"There's a place in Denver... Called the Denver adolescent rehabilitation clinic that we can call. Tucker isn't eighteen quite yet so maybe they can treat him for a while, get him back on his feet, I have the number if you wanna call now." I couldn't believe it, Kenny and Tweek were going to try and send me away?!

"Thanks Ken..." Tweek was silent for a few moments and then I heard him speak. "Hi, my name is Tw-Tweek Tweak... My best friend Craig Tucker is developing a drug and alcohol problem and he needs help before it's to late..." Honestly at that moment I called Tweek a mother fucker in my head more times then I could count.

I heard him recite my address and home phone number, say goodbye and end the call.

"You did the right thing Tweek." I heard Kenny say and I was just about to leave before my phone began ringing. Never so much in my life have I regretted setting Justin Timberlake's 'Bringing Sexy Back' as my ringtone.

In a flash I was on my feet running to my car that I'd parked down the street. I glanced back to see both blondes peeking out at me as I sprinted wildly. From the safety of my car a few hundred feet away I checked to see who called me. It was home, of course.

Car impounded in the garage, cell phone confiscated, Stripe kissed goodbye, and bags packed I set my one suitcase into the back of my parent's van. Clyde and Token had come around to say goodbye, Clyde bawling the entire time. I promised I'd be back as soon as possible but 'my healing process' was a tricky one.

"Craig?" A voice piqued from behind me.

"What Tweek?" I said in a very clipped Craig-like tone.

"I-I-I... Just wanted you to get better. You're worth so much more then what you think and this garbage is jus cl-clouding your judgement." I sighed, and slammed the trunk closed, turning to face him I flipped him off.

"Fuck off Tweek and go back to Kenny." And I rounded my parents car and got into the backseat. With that I was gone, on my way to Denver to get clean.

I haven't talked to Tweek in six months that I've been here. And now that I've both turned eighteen and told my story... I won't be here much longer...

"Do you have everything Mr. Tucker?" A young nurse with short brown hair asked. The intimidating boy turned to face her, nearly tripling her height he stood like an angry giant before her. The room was barren, entirely packed away all except a blue and yellow chullo hat and a guinea pig hiccuping in his hands.

"Yeah I think so. Thank you for all your help Sonya, I know I wasn't the best of kids in here." The woman smiled, no longer fearful at the shy and awkward Tucker boy.

"We're sure going to miss you and Stripe around here Craig. You two surely kept things interesting... Well I'll get out of your hair now. Behave now Mr. Tucker." Craig smiled as the nurse waved and left him to himself. He set Stripe onto the table top and fit his hat over his head. He'd done it, he'd gone through therapy and rehab, admitted his demons and for the most part quit all his bad habits. It was finally time for he and Stripe to go home. Gathering the fat fur ball into his cage Craig gripped it by the handle and exited the room sighing. As he rode the elevator down fellow kids and employees called goodbye all the way to the front doors to freedom.

He stepped outside, wincing at the briskness of the Colorado air and blinked to adjust to the lighting. His bright eyes scanned, searching for the family van, but only landing on a small, best up light blue impala. His heart skipped as he began racing through the lot to that car, being as cautious as possible for Stripe, he skidded to a half and peered inside. There sat a shock of blonde hair and shimmery yellow green eyes and the biggest smile he'd seen in years. The doors unlocked and Craig threw himself inside, gently setting Stripe in the back before attacking the boy in an enormous hug.

Tweek began to cry at Craig's sudden and intense emotions. Craig drew away, so quickly it was like Tweek's skin was acid.

"What?" He wondered dumbly.

"You don't hate me?! Why don't you hate me?"

"Because dumb fuck, I love you." And Craig smashed their mouths together in a kiss so full of love, Stripe even began squealing in concern over the fact his master had yet to breathe.

Craig Tucker was able to return to South Park, eventually graduating with honors. His life had turned a near 180, in September he and Tweek, having been boyfriends for half a year decided to attend the same college and rent an apartment together. Craig majored in animal sciences and Tweek in culinary arts. The two had never been happier. As for Kenny, he had moved on to an even shorter and single blonde with the name of Butters Stotch. The two eventually moved into a small apartment together in North Park and remain inseparable.

Craig and Tweek were eventually able to marry and Tweek Tweak became Tweek Tucker, thankful to finally have a first name that was different from the last. The two lived happily together in a farm house a few hours from South Park. Ruby, along with her husband Ike Broflovski often visit when they get the chance.

The Tucker men adopted one child when they were thirty two, a daughter called Gwen who was spoiled rotten by both of her fathers. One particularly sunny day while Craig was out doing a house call for a dog in labor, Tweek and Gwen ventured into the attic to poke around for something to entertain themselves. In the very back of the attic, in a musty old cardboard box Gwen uncovered a very old composition book. Seeing her father's name inscribed on the cover, she brought it gleefully over to Tweek. The two returned to the living room where together they began reading an interesting and harrowing tale called The (Unfortunately) True Diary of Craig Tucker, minus the colorful language.


End file.
